Let me be your Fantasy…

After several years in the world of Singledom, I have officially given up. I’m not bitter about it, and am far happier with the decision to ‘go it alone’ than I would have been if I had chosen to settle…and sink deep into a catatonic hole of alcohol abuse and prescription pills as I stare with dead eyes into the face of the one I have chosen to be with. For ever. And ever.

Gosh, I can be so romantic!

As it is, I think that if I do wish to go on a date ever again, I shall have to hold three days of interviews, auditions, and get them to sign several legal forms as well as getting a CRB check. There will have to be a small administration fee to cover photocopies, indexing, and copious amounts of white wine. That’s how my love life rolls!

But if you have found your love –  the one who gives you their coat when it’s raining, gloves when it’s snowing, hugs when you need them and gropes when you don’t. The one who knows your favourite song (even when you tell everyone it’s Rachmaninoff’s piano concerto No 2 in C minor, but it’s really ‘A Deeper Shade of Blue’ by Steps), who knows what your favourite cologne / perfume is, who’ll let you spend four days in a duvet when you’re ill and fill you with lucozade at the same time, who’ll do the washing-up – and not just because they want sex or that things have started to colonise it – then you are very fortunate indeed.

If so..then why not treat them to –

My Magical Materials for Mature Mischief!

(And the brilliant thing is you don’t need them for valentines Day alone! In fact, it might be more impressive to get them for a random afternoon of adult fun 😉 But if you’re unsure, you can always pull the ‘Darling, I didn’t get you anything today because I have an amazing weekend planned!’ In which case, book a hotel room somewhere nice, and take one of these along with you…)

10) Vibrating Cock rings (Or The Screaming O)

Fortunately, this here site is having a little sale on these blighters. They’re something simple and fun that you can try on your first time using a sex-toy. A Gateway toy, if you will. And they’re cheap as chips, starting from about £3 – £4. So if you and your loved one like it Just The Way You Are, you can chuck ’em away without fussing over the money spent. You can get long term ones to keep, or disposable ones for a night-o-fun!

They’re cheap, simple to use, and great for couples. (Don’t worry singletons, Ill get to you soon!)

Screaming O

 

9) 1000 Sex Games – approx £15

Starting to get a teensy bit bored in the bedroom department? Then here’s a little something to spice things up a bit without having to jump to having a threesome! Yey!

Games are great for releasing your inhibitions. There’s no responsibility, no judgement, no awkwardness..just fun. ‘Oh, go on then, the card says it so I must spend 5 minutes licking your toes.. *fake sigh*’. Go on bored couples, give it a shot. What have you got to loose? Nothing too hardcore in this lot, just stuff to get you in the mood 😉

(Also great fun for aspiring Ho’s & Pro’s. Brings out a lot of ‘How did you do that?’)

8) – Three hole Doll – £17 – for the single guy who just wants a cheap date.

See, I appreciate you’re not all going to be couples all loved up, and you’re not going to be single girls just looking for some intimacy. No, some of you are going to be pervy guys looking to spaff into any oncoming receptacle, whether it’s animal, vegetable or mineral. I have no idea which one this would come under, but it’s less than £20, so I’m going to put it in the ‘Bargain’ bracket.

7) Slave Apron – £15

Know your kajira from your kajirae? Read a bit too much ‘Shades of Grey’? Want the other half to take the hint? Then do it in a grossly over the top manner with this stunning piece of novelty wear that has completely failed to hit anyone’s mark! Glorious in it’s cheesiness alone. Why not wear it whilst baking and listening to Rhianna?

If there’s any ladies/gents out there who do manage to stir up any kind of lust in their partner through wearing this, do let me know.

Sadly, not one for the gents. Bit of a bummer for half my clientele…

6) Sex swing & Stand – £120 (HALF PRICE!)

Now this, if I do say so myself, is a bargain. simplypleasure.com have cottoned on to the fact that not everyone who has the muscle tone and upper body strength to enjoy a swing has got the spare room needed to enjoy a swing. So they’ve reduced it by half.

If you’re one of the lucky ones with a spare room, use it! You have to admit, this looks like great fun. And the bonus of having the stand is you don’t need to bolt it in – you can just pop it up, and take it down when the kids are back from uni.

5) Lubricant – approx £10

Ahh, the humble lubricant – slotting in nicely at the midway point as a reminder to you all that it is there to make things better. You should be cautious with what lubircant you use though – waterbased is always good so it doesn’t corrode condoms, and it doesn’t upset ones PH balance.

Gents, if you haven’t tried some lube or oil when pleasing yourself – give it a go! Go on, treat yourself. I was amazed at the amount of clients who had never tried a jot of lubricant on themselves, and then just lay back in wonder as I let it work it’s magic.

Ladies, if you’re planning on using a sex-toy for the first time, then you will also need a sturdy bottle by your side. Don’t let your man try to ram it in without a little something to help. There’s a reason why Liquid Silk has the tag-line..’..reduces friction in relationships.’

4) Anchor Double Rabbit Vibrator – £4

Fuck me backwards! Simply pleasures are really going for it with this sale! Down from £16, I would say snap this one up. Designed to reach all three areas – front bottom, back bottom, and the magic button – this looks like a bit of a lark! Not one I’ve tried myself, but my finger is hovering over the Buy button as we speak!

Or, if you’re enjoying all this, why not send get me one – or even more – items from this thinly veiled wish list?

3) Pipedream travel Mouth, pussy, arse – £10

I’m sorry guys, I’m trying to make this a well-rounded list for couples, single ladies, and single guys too. But when it comes to male masturbators, I’m at a loss. I used to webcam with a guy who used MMs regularly, so he enjoyed them! I just don’t know if they’re for everyone. But why not find out with this handy travel set! That’s right, a mouth, a pussy, and an arsehole for your lonely pleasure!

Ok, I’m sorry, I don’t mean it like that. It’s just that a male masturbating travel set just conjurs images of lonely salesmen sitting in Hiltons and Jurys Inns throughout the UK, swallowing the last bite of their Ginsters pasty before they bring out a travel wanking set from their suitcase. The morning will be filled with breakfast meetings, a drive to Birmingham, followed by a meeting filled with ennui and night at the Wolverhampton Travelodge…where, for one brief happy moment, they can fuck a pretend arse.

Still, £10 down from £40. Gotta be worth a shot? (Unless you want to have The Sex with someone real ever again)

2) Porn – approx Free to download/ about a tenner to buy(?)

Porn.

Why the fuck not?

I can’t stand that women get such a bad rap when it comes to porn.

If we watch it, we’re sluts. If we don’t, we’re prudes.

I watch it, but I have to get a little frustrated because it’s not geared towards me. I don’t know what porn geared towards me would look like, but it wouldn’t be quite as..well…rapey as some of the stuff that’s out there. I like it when the girl’s enjoying herself! And when the picture is a good quality – really shows that someone’s put the effort in and not just filmed the local bike on their phone.

I like porn, and if nothing else it can be used as an educational material. Not sure how to start dominating someone? Here’s a starter for ten – watch the DVDs and find out. Or just download it from whatever sites are out there – then you’ve got an instant Valentines ‘surprise’!

1) Ultimate Plus Vibrator! – £33.20

Here you go ladies – The Ultimate Vibrator, for the girl who wants it all! Wholeheartedly comes with my full recommendation! I’ve had mine for a couple of years now, and any serious rabbit user will know how tarnished and grubby they can get. This has remained pristine (though not through want of trying), and works every time 😉 If you think it’s a lot to spend on one toy, then you’re obviously one of those poor, initiated souls who has not had the pleasure of being introduced to a rabbit. Let this be a clear, concise message to you – You Have Been Wasting Your Life.

Yes, I’m sure you get what you need from guys, or – god help you – your fingers. But this is Summink Else.

Men – if your woman don’t have one, get it for her. You don’t even need to wait for another V day!

I used to work in Ann Summers near a busy train station, and there would always, always be a couple who would wander in around 5.30/6pm ish, and – not even coyly – giggle over to the vibrators. They’d kiss, cuddle, smooch a sickening amount until I had to grit my teeth and go over to politely ask if I could help them. And I managed to do it without screaming ‘What do you want?!’ in their faces! I am so customer orientated.

And they’d want a vibrator, something good but discreet. Of course, being by a train station, you could understand why. The rabbit was always my number 1 choice. Great, but discreet. No one has to know you’re having a Lady-Jam! It may look a little intimidating, I can see that, but a little bit of lube and you’ll see it as the soft hearted fluffy teddy we all know it to be.

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