Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water..

I’ve been rubbish of late.


My phone has been on silent – therefore providing me with both the sweet relief of not talking to Obvious Idiots, but also that ego boost of seeing missed calls and messages of people who want me.

But it just seems that when I do finally answer, and I do allow someone into the safety and sanctuary of my personal space, they take the piss completely.

I provide a high quality, high class service. Something you can enjoy, and rest assured that I am enjoying too. You have to give me the notice  and time I need beforehand so that I can ensure I’m clean, my working flat is clean, and you have everything necessary for the time you’ve paid for. There’s an ambience to make, an excitement to build, a sexual frenzy to create.

Also, I want to make sure I’m in the right shape of mind and am World Travelled Courtesan, and not that girl-who-just-had-to-run-for-the-bus-realised-she-forgot-her-oyster-card-then-spilt-cofee-on-her-top-whilst-trying-to-text-her-mates-to-see-if-anyone-has-seen-her-oyster-card-because-she-needs-it-cos-her-car-needs-retaxing-cos-she-forgot-to-do-it-before-the-bank-holiday. There is a stark difference between one and the other, I assure you.

That is why I do not smell of spunk and sweat when you see me. That is why my sheets and towels are fluffy clean. That is why there’s no stale smell hanging in the air when you come and see me. I call it courtesy, respect, and professionalism.

However, a lot of chaps seem to think that quality and convenience come hand in hand. They don’t. They are mutually exclusive, and you must sacrifice one for the other.

So, when dickhead #6,789 called me up this morning, it’s little wonder I wasn’t too quick to respond.

Him – Hi, when’s your next appointment?

Me – Well, I usually need two hours notice.

Him – What time is it now?

Me – 11.30

Him – So you can see me now?

Me – Nooo… I was just telling you the time. It’s 11.30 now, at a push I might be able to do 12.30.

Him – I don’t want anything much. Dont need to worry about hair or wearing anything special.

Me – Hmmm……ok….well, I might be able to do around 12

Him – Ok, I’ll be there. Oh, and can you do roleplay?

Me – Not with this little amount of notice. I have to get ready and get the bedroom ready..

Him – I just want you to [basically pull out all the bells and whisltes]

Me – Look, Im sorry, but with this kind of notice all I can do is just a quick bit of fun, which it sounds like you want.

Him – *sigh* Ok.

Anyway, the outcome was he turned up, and refused to take a shower because he’s had one the day before.

There are times, my friends, when you just have to cut your losses. Although I’d just spent 20 minutes running around like a blue arse fly, there is no way I will stand a dirty cock. So out the door her went, and on went Prison Break. But it amazes me that you can get so far, in the door, ready to go, and just refuse a 5 minute shower that would have enabled you to get your rocks off. Well, I’m pretty sure that right now he’s wanking in his van, into a sock. And good luck to the filthy swine!

Honestly, I don’t ask for much. But a shower is right up there. Along with the money, of course.


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