Are you sitting comfortably?

The sound of dead, decaying limbs crawling across the floor is accompanied by the sound of excited gurgling as the living dead smell our small band of survivors.

We run down one of the dark, damp corridors of the abandoned hospital, pushing on every door in the hope of finding one we can open. Our little group is headed by Officer Black, our fearless leader and local cop. He focusses his shotgun infront of us, ready to blast any of the crawling corpses back to the ground they came from. I’m holding Little Jimmy’s hand, pulling him along as we run. His other hand clutches a small, brown bear his now deceased mummy and daddy gave to him, just before the zombies rose.

Behind us are what remains of a cheerleading team we found hiding on a bus down Route 501, and Old Larry, previously the town drunk and leading conspiracy theorist – until we all found out he was right about those experiments in the military base –  brings up the rear. He’s blasting the heads off the decrepit as they slink further and further towards us.

Finally, Officer Black manages to break in to one of the operating rooms. It’s cold, dark, and any hint of noise will attract more of the flesh eating horrors. Black pulls us all inside, and we crouch in the corner. No one dares to breathe, we’re exhausted from running, but one strong inhale might give up our location.

The groans grow louder, we can hear blood dripping on the floor as they come closer. One sneeze, one cough, one heavy breath and we’re dead…


‘Diddle dee dee diddle dee dee diddle deed deed deee…


The group slowly turn around and stare at me.


Diddle dee dee diddle dee dee diddle deed deed deee…

I pull out the phone.


‘Hi… I was just looking at your website. What services do you provide?’

‘Well, I can’t really talk right now, there’s a zombie apocalypse on. But as you’re looking at my site, you can look through the page called ‘Services’…that’s got everything on it.’

‘Oh. And how much do you charge’

‘Well, as I said, I can’t really talk right now, due to the zombie apocalypse. But again, look under ‘Rates’ on my website. That you said you were looking at. Right now.’

‘Oh. And are you in Liverpool.’

‘Noooo….again, if you look at my website, it says Im in East Finchley, North London. Right next to my phone number on every page. But I have to go, as there’s this whole flesh eating, living dead thing..’

‘Oh, but I thought you were in Liverpool?’

‘Yes, I was for about 3 days in my whole entire life, but not now.’

‘So why does this site say you’re in Liverpool?’

‘I don’t know which site you’re looking at, but as I said, I really can’t tal-‘

‘It a site on the internet…hello? Hello….? You still there?’

I have enough time to watch the phone get crushed underneath the stampede of rotting feet. As the myriad of teeth sink in, I can’t help but feel just a tiny sense of relief….



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One Response to “Are you sitting comfortably?”

  1. Aaron Says:

    Excellent! The wittiest, most original and best-written take on ‘RTFM’ (or perhaps these days ‘RTF Website’ that I’ve seen. Ever.

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