We don’t have to take our clothes off to have a good time..

…but frankly, I would rather do that than sit and converse with the likes of tonight’s Special Character.

I’ve only ever felt the need to walk out of an outcall before the hour is up less than a handful of times. Once, when someone tried to spike me with coke, the next when someone tried to  pull off the condom, and tonight where I felt – for the first time in 5 years – pretty damn belittled and degraded for trying to just be nice.

Now, we all know what my job involves, and it’s something I love and enjoy. So walking into a room, there’s pretty little conversation, and I’m happy to just jump right in. Which I did. It was over pretty quickly though, and instead of jumping up and running off, I was happy to sit and talk. Hey, I thought, it’s a travelling business man, alone, probably just wants to chat to a person whose not all about Work.

It’s all part of the service as far as I’m concerned. Happy to chat like a friendly bartender to forlorn, gin soaked lush whose just drank his heating allowance. Not A Problem.

But when someone starts to take the piss out of everything I’m saying, the way I say it, and even the inflections and prose which I use to say it, I start thinking that I’m not getting paid enough for this. In fact, I’m not getting paid for this, full stop. I’m getting paid for you to have big, bouncy, sexy fun. Not to be a prick to a young lady whose just trying to make conversation.

Him (apropos of nothing)  ‘So, tell me something interesting.’

Now, there’s a fair few interesting things in the world. I like to think it’s full of wonder, and intrigue, and the last time I saw something that made me think ‘Hmm, that’s interesting’ was probably when I found out the iPhone 5 was being released in October. However, not great Conversation fodder. So I rewound, and went to a story I read briefly online about the latest findings at Cern. Now, anyone out there whose not a theoretical Physicist  might not have access to the Large Hadron Collider Daily News, so that was the last we mere mortals heard of it. So I start with that, because I think finding a particle that could possibly be faster than the speed of light is interesting, if only because my geek mind leaps onto what one Braniac said about it opening up the possibility of time travel. Ooh! Lushbags 😀

He offered a barrage of why it wasn’t possible, it was probably just a mis reading, blah blah blah..and then said I was well behind the times because it happened four days ago.

Me – If you want something instant, then the latest ‘Interesting thing’ is they’re digging the road up outside. That’s pretty much as up to date as you’re going to get..

Him – Did you drive? What do you drive?

Me – A Nissan Micra

Queue next barrage of why Nissan Micras are shit, ugly etc etc blah blah blah. I don’t care, I like them. I like their big, buggy lights, and the fact that they’re one of the safest vehicles on the road. And that they’re made by one of the best car manufacturers in the world. And that, unlike all my other cars, it wont break down within 2 months. If you bash into me with your 4×4, I’m the one that’s going to walk away. As a new driver, that’s my prerogative.

I’m getting a bit worn down after 10 minutes of having my car abused, so in the spirit on conversation, I ask him about his.

Him – Oh, I have several

Me – *Eyeroll* Oh really?

Him – Yeah, company cars, and a mazeratti.

Me – *Looking for the razorblades* Oh.. that’s interesting.

By now, I swear the clocks going backwards. Cars are not my strong point. A mazeratti could be a pizza topping for all I care. I’m just glad we’ve moved from taking the piss out of my car, to something new.

Urgh… I could go through the conversation bit by bit. From my music choice (‘Amanda Palmer. She’s kind of Girl and Piano music [because I knew ‘Brechtian Punk Caberet’ wasn’t going to wash] like Regina Spector, Tori amos and that kind of ilk’ Oh! I don’t think Girl and a piano is a genre on my ipod!’ Give me strength’) to random facts I know about little places, holidays, america…but everything, everything was met with sarcasm and vitriol.

I have no time for that. Especially not when it’s blamed on ‘It’s my cheeky northern humour!’. No, It’s not. It’s because you’re bored, and bitter, and think that taking the piss is funny. And yes, in a pub, it probably is. But when you’re expecting the person you’re taking the piss out of to lie back, take it, and sling out condoms for round two, you’d be surprised.

I know plenty of people from the depths of The North who can have a perfectly civilised, nice conversation. Without feeling the need to put the other person down.

Part of my brain turns off for an appointment because – frankly – it’s not my brain you’re after. So if I’d have been thinking, I might have turned round and hit him with the myriad of musings my ever present l’esprit de l’escalier is now throwing at me. But all I was thinking was that I wanted to just end the conversation. I’d have been happy if we could have just gotten on with round 2, but whatever his delightful last words were, it was enough for me to just get up and go. I have no doubt that as I walked out, he was probably sat there thinking ‘Oh, I expect she’s on the blob’.

I’m not. I just have a bit more pride in myself, and more interesting things to do than have every strand of conversation that I had to come up with belittled and shot down.

And you know what? When I asked him to ‘Say something interesting’ himself… he had nothing.


Post script –  Just remembered what he said/did to make me jump up and tell him I’d had enough. We were talking about something else (I forget now, but he was probably being massively sarcastic about nuns and kittens or something), and I said –

Me – ‘Yeeeaaah…’

Him – ‘Yeeeaaaaaaahhh….Nnnnyyyeeeaaaahhhh….YYYEEEaaaaaaaaaaaahhh…’

Like, literally taking the piss out of how I was saying a word which was a phrase of agreement with whatever bile he was spouting. Just…no need…..



One Response to “We don’t have to take our clothes off to have a good time..”

  1. Steve Says:

    He sounds a real prick. Guys like that that have everything, and yet nothing. I love to chat and converse with my dates, so please don’t stop, I know you won’t

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