Can anybody find me somebody to love..

There’s been many things that I’ve found myself doing in this job. Some requests are ultimately stranger than others, some are completely baffling, and others are downright crazy – but they’ve always been a lot of fun.

And so it was that earlier last week, I found myself dressed in an air stewardess’ uniform, handing out internet dating tips. Unfortunately, asking me for dating tips is like asking a brain surgeon for rocket science advice.  Escorting and romance  just do not seem to mix well.

I’ve tried, believe me, I have. But in this job we see the opposite ends of a mans spectrum, from the very best –  ‘Oh my god, you’re so beautiful…I love your body, I want you so much…etc etc‘ – to the very worst – ‘What do you mean you can’t see me? Wouldn’t want to see a fat old whore like you anyway…aren’t you riddled with diseases?….who would want to pay £150 to sleep with you..etc etc.’

So when it comes to men, it can be a bit tricky trying to filter out the good’uns. And I haven’t managed it yet.

But, being a girl, I can definitely tell you what I like. It may not be what you’re prepared to do, but why not give it a shot?

You have to fight. That’s it, that’s all. That’s what it comes down to. Fight for us, fight to keep us, fight to have us. We love that. Not too much though, you don’t want to over guild the lily and get into dangerous stalking territory, but just enough to make us think you’re worth spending our energy on – because when a girl loves you, she really puts her back into it.

So, if you’re lost and alone in the world of dating, here’s a few tips to get you started. You don’t have to take them, and the fact that I’m probably writing myself out of a couple of clients here isn’t lost on me. But hey, if you can’t find a gal you’re willing to spend £150 on a first date on, then you can always come back to me. At least you’re definitely going to get laid…

* Winks. They will not do. If you’re on a site that only let’s you give out winks, go to another. OKcupid and plentyoffish seem to do the job quite well without asking you to fill in your whole history and hand over credit card details. But unless you’re a paid member and can send a message, forget about the winking.

*Send a message first. Don’t wait for the girl to do it, we don’t like chasing. Your message should be no longer than 3 paragraphs, and no shorter than one.

*It should contain remarks about her profile, compliments and questions – give her a reason to reply back to you. Explain a little bit about yourself, but not too much. Something to interest her, and keep her intrigued, but not too narcissistic.

*Pictures  – non negotiable! ALWAYS have pictures. Preferably more than one. Try to leave out the group shots, we’re interested in you, not your buddies stag weekend. Head shot, full body, and one of you doing something is always good. Avoid pictures of you with your car, not matter how awesome it is. You look like a pretentious arse. And wear clothes. Half naked shots of you in a towel, taking a picture of yourself in a mirror makes you look like you’re only after sex. But that does lead me on to my next point –

*If you are only after a fling, say so. Don’t dick around and say you want more just to get into a girls pants. Believe it or not, there are still going to be plenty of  ladies who just want a hot time too. But don’t hurt the ones who want more just to get your cock wet.

*Meet up as soon as you feel ready to. The days of months and months of romantic emails and long MSN chats are over. As we march into the digital age, we’re getting used to the fact that not everyone who uses the internet is a goblin pervert. Suggest having a drink as soon as you feel like you’re able to (a meal is too much of a commitment at this stage, but you can always suggest having something to eat if the drinks are going well)

*Be a happy chappy. Do not fill your profile out with morose woes of your past girlfriends, how you’ve been hurt in the past, or need a girl who will ‘understand you’. Of course she won’t. At this stage, you’re strangers. And will probably remain strangers if everything you write comes with it’s own pity party. Keep a bright outlook and have a positive attitude – after all, this profile could lead to the love of your life 🙂

*Don’t make demands. If all you can write is what you want of someone, then delete. Ask yourself not what your fantasy girl can do for you, but what you can do for your dreamboat…

*If you think you’re punching above your weight, get better gloves. It might come down to finding someone on there which you think is totally, outrageously awesome. And say you message, she checks out your profile, and you get no reply. Whats wrong with having a little extra fight? Why not send an extra message full or wit and courtesy? Don’t – whatever you do – send a message to try and get a reaction out of her. I have no idea why guys think that winding a girl up is better than charming her, but I guess it’s just the easiest way to get a reaction for them. No, wrong, bad, don’t do it.

Basically, it comes down to being nice, knowing when to fight, not flight. And just a little bit of humour and charm. Chivalry never looses it’s touch either. The basics are pretty easy to remember – open a door for a lady. It may be the 21st century, but we still dig it. Walk on the right hand side of the pavement so that should anything happen, it’ll happen to you. Offer your coat on cold nights, and never, ever forget we’re still girls. We have a myriad of hormones, feelings, emotions and drivel in our head at any one time. Do not tell us lies – even beautiful ones – and always ask us how we’re feeling, but only if you really want to find out.

And if internet dating doesn’t work out for you, there are other ways. Screw it, just go to a club and buy a girl a drink (Gosh! Yes! You might have to actually pay for a drink!). Or, if you’ve looked at the profile of the ‘competition’ and just can’t see how you can snag that supermodel with the PhD over the doctor with the Bentley and 6 figure pay packet,  you can always rely on the London Review of Books for some honest introspection, and clarity about what some people are really  after;

Tall, handsome, well built, articulate, intelligent, sensitive, yet often grossly inaccurate man, 21. Cynics (and some cheap Brentwood psychiatrists) may say ‘pathological liar’, but I like to use ‘creative with reality’. Join me in my 36 bedroomed mansion on my Gloucestershire estate, set in 400 acres of wild stag populated woodland. East Ham. Box no 0602′

The celebrity I most resemble is Potsie from Happy Days. What feels so right, can’t be wrong. Man, 46. Box no 4280′

I have a mug thats says ‘World’s greatest lover‘. I think that’s my references covered, how about you? Man, 37. Bishipsgate. Box no 6778′

Normally on the first few dates I borrow mannerisms from the more interesting people I know and very often steal phrases and anecdotes from them along with concepts and ideas from obscure yet wittily-written books. It makes me appear more attractive and personable than I actually am. With you, however, I’m going to be a belligerent old shit from the very beginning. That’s because I like you and feel ready to give you honesty. belligerent old shit (M, 52) Box no 6378′

‘If you don’t love yourself, I can’t love you. AlthoughI’m still quite happy to have sex. As long as you buy me dinner. And theatre tickets. And a new pair of trousers. And a fridge magnet that says ‘Sagittarians do it with a quiver’. Man, 36. Happy to hook up with needy, desperate confidence-lacking fems to 40 until someone better comes along. Box no 9741′

I wrote this ad to prove I’m not gay. Man, 29, Not gay. Absolutely not.’

I sense a lot of sadness behind these ads. Not this one though – I’m double dosed until next Spring’s repeat prescription review. Happy woman, 34. This dainty girlish laugh wont last forever, and I’ll blame you when it ends,but by then we’ll have a mortgage and a massive debt and you won’t ever be able to escape.’

Does anyone know what I did last summer? Kitsh horror-fan and recovering alcoholic (M,52).’

Whilst calming down after a heated argument involving smashed plates, thrown cutlery and insults directed at your circus side-show of a family, you should know now that I’m very unlikely to participate in that ‘No, rally, I’m sorry. It was my fault’ charade. You accept all of the blame, all of the time or you grow gills to breathe in the stale, bitter soup of my angry and eternal silence. Cuddly F, 36, brown hair, green eyes, degree in geology.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and wash off the stench of desperation before I go speed dating tonight. Good luck, Astronauts!

(Oh yes, and if you want to know about the air stewardess uniform thing, then TOUGH! But why hear it from me, when we can entrust it to the modern day poets and eloquent bards that are ‘Scooch.’ Particularly 1.51 in to their groundbreaking Eurovision spectacle.’)



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