I’m. Tryin’. Not. To. Loose. Mah. Head..

I know it may sound surprising, but sometimes I get a bit bored of bitching about idiots.

I know! Surprising or what?!

But one day, I’d quite like to blog about sunshine and rainbows, lollipops and puppies. Alas, the braindead just keep on coming, proving they were behind the door when the common sense was being handed out.

In frustration, I called up a friend and forlornly asked ‘Just what is going through their heads?!’

‘Your Bazungas.’

‘Ah.’

Yep, it’s the ole’ blood flow problem, which has resulted in 24 hours of –

‘Hi, can I be your slave?’

‘Only if you want to pay for it.’

‘Oh, no thanks.’

****

‘Hi, Can I come and see you now?’

‘I need an hours notice..’

‘Oh, but I’m here now.’

‘Don’t you think it might have been prudent to let me know you were coming?’

‘Yeah…maybe…’

****

‘Hi, Do you work somewhere discreet? I need privacy’

‘No.. I like to work in a perspex cube overhanging the Thames, with a massive neon sign saying ‘WHORE’ over it. Then it gets broadcast over the internet, and the footage  sent to our parents..’

‘Really?’

‘You serious?!’

****

‘Hi, can I make an appointment?’

‘Sure! What kind of thing are you looking for?’

‘Umm.. just…you know…’

‘Girlfriend experience?’

‘No…’

‘Domination..’

‘Something else..’

‘Oookaaay….Do I get a clue?’

‘Actually, I’m at work/on the bus/ In the pub, so I can’t really talk.’

‘Right…maybe best to go somewhere private if you want to talk to an escort, yes?’

‘Yeah… I guess…’

*****

‘I’m looking to be dominated.’

‘Ok, what kind of thing are you into?’

‘Umm…what would you like to do to me?’

‘Gaffa tape you to a chair for two hours whilst I go shopping with the £300 you just wasted?’

****

‘Hi, I’d like domination please?’

‘Ok, what kind of thing are you into?’

‘Can’t I just tell you when I get there?’

‘Well, you could, but I might not be happy about doing certain stuff.’

‘Really??!’

***

‘Hi,  is that your picture on the internet?’

‘I don’t know cos I have no idea what picture you’re looking at.  Is it the one on my website?’

‘No.. it’s just the one on the advert on the internet.’

‘Riiiight….’

****

So, my day was going pretty well, as you can imagine. Then I got this..

Hi there,

I am sending you this email to warn you that May 21, 2011 is Judgment Day. The Bible guarantees it 100% and it is the surest day in human history. No dreams, no visions, just straight from the Bible. Since time is now very short (just over 86 days to go as of now), this message is more urgent than ever. I am just one of many, many messengers from around the world who believes.

To find out how exactly the Bible declares May 21, 2011 to be Judgment Day, please do the following:

* Check out these sites: http://www.familyradio.com, http://www.ebiblefellowship.com, http://www.bmius.org, http://www.wecanknow.com, http://www.the-latter-rain.com, or simply Google “May 21 2011”
* Read your Bible. Compare the internet information with what the Bible actually says. It is all true !

May God bless you and have mercy on you in these very final days.

Call me crazy, but right now, I would welcome it…. Then I can walk right up to God, point out his MASSIVE design flaw which turns men into morons when they see a rather magnificent pair of tits, and punch him in the throat.

86 days to go. Better start working on my swing....

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2 Responses to “I’m. Tryin’. Not. To. Loose. Mah. Head..”

  1. zenon Says:

    I love reading your blog you have a some people giving you a hard time so floor in the above should have been flaw I guess, and why is it threat God is man when things are bad and it would all be better if God was a woman, but I cannot think straight since your tits have interrupted the blood flow to my reasoning cortex…

    Hope you enjoy French Farmers Sundays in East Finchley… I do…

    Zenon

  2. zenon Says:

    🙂

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