Nothing ever changes but the shoes…

Crikey! It’s been dead as disco in Melody Mews, and I still haven’t gotten round to updating the blogaroo…

I’ve mainly been seeing to Real Life Things; DIY, househunting, shopping, and even a (very) brief romance – which would be exciting, only now I’m not even privvy to being a facebook friend. Before we all jump to conclusions, I hadn’t even had the chance to ‘fess up’ to my profession, I just wanted to go to the cinema 😦

That’s right, boys are strange creatures. Which brings me handily to todays theme…

Or

‘Please stop asking me stupid questions.’

Now, I only advertise on the net. Sometimes, just sometimes, I get magazines stealing my details and publishing very little actual information. Only in these cases can such stupidity be excused as they might not have access to my site. However, I can pretty much guarantee that most questions can be answered on there somewhere. Generally on every bloody page.

So if you call to ask me for such a detail, you will be told – in no uncertain terms that the information is, indeed, on every bloody page!

Lets take a look through the magic of MsPaint…

Ok, so this is the very first page of my site. Several questions are already answered (such as my vital statistics etc). But just in case thats not quite enough, I’ve gone to the trouble of creating a very nice frame with the basic repeated, and lovely clicky buttons that will take you to a whole page of information! Woooowwwwwweeeeee!

Fig 1 – The answer to ‘What services do you provide?’

I know, most people would have looked at the word ‘escort’, or at least taken a clue from whatever link they followed to get to my page, and would have surely drawn their own conclusions. But sometimes, it does need to be re-iterated that I offer Adult Services…like S-E-X! Of course, I do get the odd chancer who knows precisely whats involved, but decides to put on a really sleazy voice and say ‘Well…what kind of thing can I expect?’. Not phone sex, thats for sure!

Plus what a lot of men forget is that if I was to sit on the phone and list everything, it would become very boring, very quickly. Do you really want to sit and listen to a load of acronyms?? Mmm…sexy…

FIG 2 – The answer to ‘How much do you charge?’

Some people call this ‘donations’. I find theres just too much room for error with that word. Plus we live in a country thats actually not that fussed with escorts opperating independantly. Rates/fees/charges etc…is what it says on the tin. However, some people seem to miss the RATES page completely! I don’t know what people think when they browse the menu, and completely miss it, but at least dictionary.com appears to agree with me. ‘Rates’ = how much I charge.

Plus thats such an open ended question! How much do I charge? For what? Where? How long? When?

FIG 3 – The answer to ‘When are you available?’

C’mon….I made it eeeaasy for you! 10-10, every day. How hard is that to comprehend?! However, within that please note that I don’t sit in a room, dressed in Stockings and suspenders, just awaiting your call. No, I have a life and I’m involved in it on a daily basis. Hence my ‘2 hours notice’ rule. Generally, wherever I am, I can get back withint an hour, which leaves me an hour to collect keys, tidy flat, and get myself ready.

FIG 4 – The answer to ‘Where are you based?

Every page, people, the answer is on every page. East Finchley, which is in North London. Or Outcalls to central London – am I missing something? Does that not quite make it clear? East Finchley is pretty small, so there really is no need to give you my whole address- which is never going to happen until you’re literally on the doorstep. It’s all about safety, donchaknow. The keen sighted amongst you might also note that this is also pointed out on the front page itself! Nifty that…

I did have a whole page dedicated to ‘Location’. But as clicking a link seemed to be above and beyond some people’s capabilities, I removed it from the menu to allow for more fun stuff. Like my tours!

Can you see why I might get a tad frustrated?

And next time anyone, ever, says ‘Hi, I’m looking at your website, can I get more details?’ I’m just going to start reading the texts from my site. It’ll be fun, in a Jackanory kind of way…

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