What do I have to do, to get it through to you…

Hey, Hi, how you doing?

I’m fine, but I’m not sure if there’s been a particular rise in idiots since I went away, or just something in the water.

In any case, here’s a list of things that’ll get you a stern No, or get you call cut off pretty quickly. Either way, you’re Obviously an Idiot if you’ve tried me with any of these lines…


Can you come over in 20 minutes? – Yes, just send me over your plans for warp speed technology and time travel, and I’ll be happy to not only get bathed, made up, shaved..I’ll also struggle through London traffic and be there right away!

Will you give me a cheaper rate for just sex and a blow job? – Why, oh why do you think those are the easy parts? Giving head is fine, but certainly not one of the more pleasant parts of the job…

I want to wear women’s clothes, have you got any –Err, yeah.. Mine, but unless you’re my size, then bring your own! If I had every size in every style, I’d have a warehouse for a wardrobe.

Will you dominate me? I just want to do whatever you want me to.. – Yeah, yeah, you’ve all heard this before, and know my precise feelings. But I swear to god, the next one who comes round based solely on this line is gonna really regret it.

Do you do student discounts? – No, but try spending your student loan on your actual education, and you might just end up in a job where you dont need to ask for discounts!

I’m just looking at your website, can you give me some more details? – *Headdesk*

I want to see you on a regular basis, but only if you’re good – For some strange reason, people seem to think they’ll get a better service if they promise future appointments. Quite bloody frankly, you should be trying to impress us. After all, we have the final say on whether we even want an appointment with you.

If I see you next week as well, can you give me a cheaper rate today? I’m sorry, I’m not tesco’s. You will not accumulate loyalty points or frequent fucker miles.

I tried your number, but didn’t get a reply – Oh, sorry – my call centre must be on strike. I’m so sorry I couldnt drop everything to answer your one phone call, that was probably on a witheld number anyway, and you had to go to the trouble of emailing to tell me all about your trauma of calling me once, and not getting an answer. The fact that there’s a very helpful voicemail message asking you to leave a message, or send a text should you not get through to me, really should give you a clue as to what your next move should be. Or, y’know, try calling again later. But the fact that you think I should answer my phone every time it rings, I’ll just assume that should we have an appoointment together, I can stop to answer every call and text I get. Thanks!

I looked on your site for a picture of your feet, but there aren’t any! Can you send me a picture? – Certainly! You’re just going to have to pay for it. What’s that? You’re suddenly not interested? How strange…

There’ll be more. There’s always more! But I’m getting frazzled just thinking about them!

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