Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air..

Im back on the road again – hoorah! And back on my coccyx is feeling a lot better now, and it’s high time I start getting back into the swing of things – if only just to pay off the massive amount of stuff I’ve been buying on the internet!

Yes, it’s not easy trying to relax these days. The call of Ebay, Amazon and Lovehoney is just too much for little old me. So this morning I ended up with a brand new selection of whippin’ toys – and some thigh high boots!

Don’t get excited too soon though, as they sent me the wrong size..

‘Hi, you’ve sent me a 6, not 7.’

‘Is there a line underneath the 6? Because then it will be a nine!’

‘No, there’s no line…It’s definitely a 6. And in any case, I dont want a 9. I want a 7.’

‘Ahh, but we sometimes get them from America, so you get the American tag. It’s probably a 9.’

‘No, it’s not. It’s definitely a 6 because…well…it’s a 6. Not just going by the tag, but also going by the fact that its too small for my feet. Which are a 7.’

‘Well, we do suggest you buy a bigger size than your feet.’

‘Fine, I understand that. But you’ve still sent me a six…’

‘*Sigh* Fine, send them back using the freepost sticker.’

I’m not entirely sure why I had to go through that…especially because now I google think about it, an American size 9 is a UK 6.5 anyway!

So they have to go back tomorrow, along with a teeny tiny cat-o-nine tails (ok, ok, my fault – I didn’t see the size written next to it. I was high on paramol and credit card freedom), and the weirdest, most cumbersome looking cane I’ve ever had the misfortune of seeing in my life. It literally looks like someone just dug it out of their garden.

Thats the problem with internet buying, you’re never quite sure of what you’re going to get. God knows I’ve had enough (expensive) disappointments, and really should have learnt my lesson by now! But then I tried to go to Camden and soho for pretty much the same things last week, and just wanted to burn the whole thing down (again) after the 4th ‘Hello dahlink, how are you? Hhhow can I hhelp joo, bootiful laydee?’

‘Im just looking thanks’

‘Joo like dese boots? Try dem on, eh? For you, just ninety pounds!’

‘No thanks’ (cos I’ve seen them on the net for £50!)

‘Just try on, eh?’

‘No, really..’

‘Joo look so good!’

‘Right., Bye then’

I was particularly taken with the chap on one of the stalls who, when I asked how big the sizes went up to on a particular range of coats, turned round and said ‘Aww, but you are not fat!’ No…I didn’t say I was..I just asked what bloody size they went up to! I’m beginning to think that the only thing destroying Camden are the people in Camden. If they’re not trying to force random chicken balls down your throat, they’re trying to convince you that yes, even a size 26 girl can fit into ‘dis bootyful, lovely dress for pretty laydey!’

In reality, most things in Camden are so small, it’s like fitting a beach ball into a wellington boot.

But fear not! I have a selection of new stuff coming, and if they dont all turn out to be unmitigated disasters, then I should have some exciting new props and costumes for the next photoshoot. But you’ll have to wait…my photographer has also sustained a nasty back injury. *sigh* There must be something in the air.

Or on the ground.


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