Let us Ponder The Punter…

Well, would you look at this! You’ve all gandered the website, gawked at my lovely pictures, and gazed at my too-pretty-to-be-single face, and finally you lucky things have found the canvas for my wit & wisdom!

…or at least a place where I can post pictures of my hair. And Cats.

But never mind those now. I’ve been thinking of a decent first post, and was finally struck down with a lightning bolt of an idea. You may be surprised to know this was inspired by those wonderful gents who fail to show for their appointments. And a few others besides.

So, I give you..

Miss Melody’s Manual for the Marauding Male.

One of the things I am very grateful for is the myriad of resources out there available to the eager working girl. My career has outgrown my naivety through things like Saafe, and various forums where a gal can let her hair down! (Of course, there are also some forums out there where one may try, but just ends up getting into knots. Hence why I can only be found on a select few!)

However, there doesn’t seem to be much out there for the prospecting Punter! Oh, you may think its as easy as picking up the phone and booking, but there are several ways in which you can make the whole thing a lot more enjoyable! And they’re free! That’s right, no extra tips needed, no presents required…just a little change of perspective.

Initial phone call.

•    When making a call, please remember we get several a day, and we’re not just sat in a flat with our heels up, watching Loose Women. We might be driving, on a bus, or tube, or just in a crowded place which makes it very difficult to talk. I’ve been caught out several times in Tesco, and saying ‘No, I don’t do anal’ whilst you’re putting in your pin can be infuriating. So if a lady asks you to call back in five minutes, call back in five minutes, please don’t say ‘Oh, but it’s just a quick question…how much..? Where are..? Do you…?’

•    You won’t get told the specific details of what will happen in a session.  You’ll no doubt get exactly what you want if you’re clear, but we don’t spend ages on the phone describing everything in detail. We save that for our sisters in the phone sex industry. You can get a good idea of what’s offered on their website.

•    If you do want something specific – especially when it comes to role-play or tie&tease – be clear! We don’t come armed with costumes, handcuffs and toys (oh my!), and we also can’t read your mind. So sending an email with how you’d like your scenario to go, and what you would especially like to be involved with it would be a good place to start. It saves time, money and disappointment.

•    For the love of god, Be Nice! One word, monosyllabic answers will get you nowhere. We are also not your ho’s, bitches, or sluts. Perhaps we can be, but only if you ask nicely 🙂

•    If you want an outcall, you may well be asked for an unusual amount of  information. Its because we need to check that you really have checked into that hotel, or you really do live at that address. I’m sure you wouldn’t feel too happy about stomping through London in high heels and stockings, only to find your destination doesn’t exist. At the very least, we NEED a mobile number.

The Appointment

•    If you can’t turn up, or you know you’ll be late, then fine – things happen and we all accept that. But please please please let us know as soon as you can. We’re not ready for you 24 hours a day. Some of us have to travel to working flats, or make childcare arrangements, or get our fat arses from one end of London to the other Very Quickly Indeed. If you just don’t turn up, or wait for us to call you to see where you are, then you will likely never be accepted for an appointment again.

•    Print off the address, and use a map! Some escorts give the whole address, some give the postcode, or the road, or a landmark, but either way you are responsible for getting there. Print off a googlemap, use your sat nav, or dust off an old A-Z. Asking me if I know how to get to my place from Little-Retard-On-The-Hill will result in a rather negative reply. Negative still will be the response you get if you dare to say ‘Typical woman, useless with directions!’ as someone once did! Not sure if they ever found the body….

•    If you would like to try certain things, let us know. As long as you have read what the escort does and does not provide and you know what’s on offer, then feel free to request it. Don’t just hope that it’ll happen 59 minutes in.

•    Bring the right amount of cash. If you don’t have enough, then you may just get chucked out. If you don’t have the right change, then you might have to compromise. If you stop and think about it, it’s more danger than it’s worth for us to have cash on-site.

•    Be clean! Yes, you may have had a shower this morning, but it’s 8pm now, and you’ve been workin’ on the railroad. All good escorts offer a shower, take it up! Even if you’ve just had one, it’s a nice way to relax and show willing. Most likely, it won’t even come off the time. Sometimes we can be hard pushed for time between appointment though, so don’t spend all day in there.

•    I shall say this only one, but please note the bold, italicized emphasis I put on it…Go to the toilet BEFORE you shower! There is nothing more disheartening than hearing the toilet flush after the showers been on. I’ve made men go in again, and this time I HAVE taken it off the time! It doesn’t take much common sense to realise we’re more likely to play with your little ding-a-ling if he’s nice and clean and not covered in wee-wee.

•    Hopefully you’ll by now be enjoying your session. Relax, take your time. Try many different things! The hole is not the only goal here.

•    Don’t be insulted if we ask you to finish up. You’ll probably get a few minutes warning, so there’s still time to enjoy yourself up to the climax rather than just shutting our legs like a vice on a timer. But we often have a schedule to keep, and that includes making sure you leave in a decent state (after all, you may need to back to someone else or work), tidy the flat we’ve been using, change sheets, clean towels, empty bins…and then still have a shower ourselves and be nice and spruce for another lucky client! Yes, it’s all go!

•    Now that you’ve finished, you’ll probably be thinking about what a splendid time you had! You can go and write a review if you want, or feel free to let the lady know how good it was in an email or text – it’s always nice to receive a bit of praise ☺ But please don’t think this means you’ll get a discount for next time. Do it out of the kindness of your heart! It’ll give you a warm and fuzzy feeling inside, I promise!

•    Sometimes, just sometimes you feel extra special. You two may have just totally clicked, and when you asked her out for a drink, or a meal, she accepted! Yes she did..and it’ll be on the clock. So please don’t start bombarding her with conversational texts. She’s not your girlfriend, fuck buddy, or whatever other romantic term the yoof of today use. She is a working lady, and she may well have enjoyed your company too! But if you want to take her out for a drink, or a meal, then check the price list.

Those Difficult Discretionaries.

All escorts reserve the right to say ‘No’. But if you use a bit of common sense and act like a gentleman, you might hear it a little less often.

A lot of ladies have things like kissing, OWO (Oral sex without condoms), anal, and CIM (Cum in Mouth) as discretionary services. Can you possibly imagine why?! Here’s some hints.

Kissing – having fresh breath and being clean shaven improves your chances dramatically. And your dentist is your friend! If you’re not going for regular check ups already, then you should. Good teeth always improve matters. And be sensible..don’t kiss with coldsores.

OWO – Being nice, clean, and taking a note of my italicized, bold note above will help! Plus, without wanting to sound crude, it depends where you’ve stuck it. If you’ve ever seen Clerks 2, you might want to take note of their opinions of ass-2-mouth.

Anal – Not everyone does this, so make sure you know for a fact this is on offer before you start trying to ram a square peg into a round hole. And you know what? It might be that you are just too big…

CIM – Check it’s OK first, otherwise it’s just rude! You may want to try a facial, in which case, avoid the eyes!!! Don’t be a dick and see if it’s just an urban myth. It’s not, it stings like a bitch, and you certainly won’t be invited back.

Basically, if you use your common sense and discretion, you’ll have a whale of a time! We’re well aware you’re paying a lot of money for our time, and above all we try and make sure you get the best from it.

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