Come Back Around

A new passion in my life has become ‘The Thick of It’. Or, more precisely, Malcolm Tucker. So I would now like to quote one of his many sermons -

Tuckers Law – “If some cunt can fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck it up cause that cunt’s a cunt.”

And right now, I feel like said cunt.

Or at least my back does.

For a slightly strange reason I’ve woken up with a massive sprain in my back! I mean, I literally couldnt stand up this morning, so I’ve spent the morning lying down on the sofa, chomping down paracetamols and crisps. And it hasn’t done a damn thing!

Ok, I can stand a bit better, but the rub of it is I was supposed to have an erotic wrestling session this afternoon. I hardly ever get to do them, and after reading Miss Kinky La Rue’s adventures in the world of scissor moves and clamp-like thighs, I was quite looking forward to it! I have quite a big bed which is good for it, but – in full accordance with Tuckers Law- my back has chosen the worst time to fuck up. Bottoms.

The best I can do is pass on her number as I really don’t want to make it worse.

And yes, I have my suspicions about whats caused it. Torrid.

Torrid is a brilliant plsu size store in America, which not only sells clothes for the younger BBW, but also fairly kinky outfits! And ysterday they had a half price sale on t’internet. Unfortunately, they seemed to have underestimated the amount of fat girls who would like nice, cheap clothing, so the website was slooow…I mean, I could have sent pidgeons and probably got a quicker service.

I spent the whole day battling with it, only for various things to go wrong. Finally, at around 1am, I finally got to the checkout with $300 worth of fantastic clothes, most of which were things which my customers would have appreciated very much! Only to be told my english card wouldn’t work on their system.

ArrrrrggghhhHH!!!!!!

And now I fear that spending all day hunched over my netbook and stressing out so much has left my back all knotted up.

So, any clients wanting to see me today, or in fact anyone wanting to see me in some top class kinky outfits should send a letter of complaint straight to Torrid. Tell them to get more bandwidth, and that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with my hard earned English moneys!!!

Have yourself a filthy, kinky, curvy Christmas!

Hoooraaay! Cats out the bag, and I’m very happy to announce an official Pretty  Curvy Christmas Party!

If last years was anything to go by, it’s going to be a blast! Hours and hours of fantastc fun with some of the bustiest and best in the business! How can you not be picking up the phone already?

Again, I’ll be maiding and making sure everyone’s having a good time whilst they, ahem, rest And the gorgeous Kinky La Rue, super sexy Sara, massively busty Ellie Lloyd and bouncy n’ bubbly Claudia of Manchester will be helping you swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh! Four gorgeous, voluptuous and naughty girls who will definitely not be on Santa’s good list this year…

So escape the Christmas shopping, leave the tinsel at home, and lets kick the festive season off in style!

Dates and prices are….

Wednesday 2nd December ~ 7pm-10pm. Price: £250 for 3 hours – £150 for 90mins.
Thursday 3rd December ~ 12pm-3pm. Price: £250 for 3 hours – £150 for 90mins.

Either drop me a line at melody@melodybbw.com or call the lovely Kinky LaRue on 07900 848567!

NaHoBloPoMo – I gotta have faith…

Now, you may have noticed I’ve been a little..uptight in recent postings. I’ve had a couple of stressed out months, making each annoying call or rude punter seem a thousand times worse.

But there are times, like these, when I just feel so lucky to have the gentlemen that I have come and see me.

I had this realisation in New York, and felt a pang of pity for the WGs out there when some guys literally do just want to be nothing more than ’serviced’.

I, however, have returned to a full days work of lovely polite guys who understand that appointments with Ladies Like Us are a privalege, not a right. Yep, I know that sounds arrogant…after all, they pay, we work. Hmm, not quite so. After all, I vet men as soon as I start talking to them, not everyone is guaranteed an appointment. And there are certainly the few that wont be invited back.

But when they come round, and worship one’s bottom the way it was meant to be worshipped, or offer such creative, imaginitive, you-can-do-that-all-day head, then my faith in punters, and this job,  is restored.

In other news, I may be a bit late joining in, but I’m going to attempt posting everyday throughout November for NaBloPoMo. Otherwise known as National Blog posting month. Only because this is a certain type of blog, from a certain type of Lady, I’m starting it as Na’Ho’BloPoMo. See what I did there? It means I can change the rules to start the month on the 4th, and give up any time I please.

 

And it starts all over again…

Why, oh why do men sound sooo surprised if we can’t see them Right Now. I mean, they seem to completely forget that they will need time to travel to us anyway, and that we don’t spend our days sat in our undies awaiting their voice…

No, instead we get -

‘Hello? When are you available?

‘Well, like it says several times, in bold, underlined, and often italicised on my website, I need two hours notice.’

‘Can you do in half an hour?’

No, because you’re obviously an idiot and I have a severe allergy to Obvious Idiots, so if you come anywhere near me, I’m afraid I might break into uncontrollable screaming and flailing of my arms until I hit solid flesh.Your solid flesh.

‘Err….possibly’ (Thats if I’m nice and at the flat already, let alone with clean hair, shaved legs, and tidied up)

‘Hmm… might be a bit too late for me. I’ll get back to you’

Please, for the love of god, don’t bother. Go and see some skanky ho who can see you in 5 minutes because she has no pride in her work, sticky condoms on the pillow, hairy legs and still smells suspiciously like her last customer…

..and yes, you’ll probably take half an hour to get there anyway. Good luck with that!

And it doesn’t end there my lovelies. Oooh no…

A call last night (Sunday), around 10pm, asking for domination, humiliation, and forced feminisation. Normally, thats all fine. Although he was determined to fit all three into half an hour – which send alarm bells ringing – and he wanted me to supply his ‘costume’…..wherein it takes me about 5 minutes to explain why I don’t have any clothes for him to wear. And why the hell would I? If I was expected to supply clothes for everyone who wanted forced feminisation, I’d have a wardrobe to rival Ru Pauls.

Oh yes, thats right, because they expect us to have anything and everything they want for their fantasy. So when, at 10pm, someone calls me and asks if they can come over, be forced to wear sexy lingerie, then of course I have it! Of course it’s the perfect fit, and of course they’re a tight little bugger who only wants half an hour!

For some bizarre reason, the thought hadn’t occurred to them to buy their own.

No, instead I should pull it out of my arsehole at 10pm on a Sunday night. Screw it, 10pm on ANY night is still going to end in the same completely impolite 2 words. I’m not about to dive to Marks & Sparks at any time to pick someone up any kind of lingerie whatsoever.

When I pointed out the hole in his logic, and explained I wouldnt be seeing him due to a sudden, irrational case of flailing arms, sudden screaming etc, I was promptly sent a text calling me a Moody Cow.

I’ve never had anyone book a force-fem session without showing up with their own stuff. And they’re the best. We have fun because they enjoy what they’re wearing because they picked it out themselves…they know it’s sexy for them, and they love it! I’ve had people book fem sessions, and asked me to supply stuff (only small things, which I could if given enough notice, like tights or hold-ups) and they inevitably end up being a timewaster. So now I leave it to them – a real man buys his own stockings!

So, in a moment of pure rage (normally I’d just ignore them), I replied. Fuck it, I was bored. Plus I was enraged that this guy had wanted humiliation, and flew off the handle at the first hurdle! How the hell would he have  reacted if he’d actually been humiliated?

Yep. Not very well, Im betting.

Fortunately, my suspicions that he was a complete mentalist were confirmed in his next pathetic, begging text blaming the fact that he hasn’t had sex in ten years for his behaviour.  Which promptly got ignored…as did the next one which appeared to be begging me for psychiatric help!

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is why one never takes an appointment from a man who wont buy his own knickers.

Theres no place like home…

Ok, so I admit I had high hopes for New York.

I was armed with several emails address, telephone numbers, tips and tricks for the whole trip. I was ready and willing…

So what went so wrong?!

First of all, I’m lying a whole heap of blame on AT&T’s shoulders. I bought a SIM card out there, as it was the only way to get a US number people could call AND text. However, before he gave it to me, I suspect the man in the shop dipped it in acid, ran over it with a steamroller, left it in a tank of pirahnas before letting it fly out into space on a rocket ship, only to let it crash down to Earth in my hand as the reception was that bad. I couldn’t get to another shop for a while, and this one was the closest – only they couldn’t really help me because they were a concession…so for the first few days, all anyone could hear was snaps, crackles, and pops. Plus I managed to pick the only hotel in New York which seemed to have absolutely no reception whatsoever! None! At least, not without hanging out the window by my ankles.
Yes, all good fun.

But after visiting AT&T again, I got a new sim card (after they insisted it was my phone…all three of them) and they swapped the number – which was more than the first AT&T shop could do. I have no idea how it worked either – I think because one was a concession, and the other was the real deal so could do the whole shebang. Which is weird, massively frustrating, and just damn unfair. I felt completely screwed and they didn’t exactly jump down my throat to help…it seemed to take so long to get them to help me unless I was topping up or giving them money for something. (Even when I did on the phone, the woman at the end of the line got incredibly pissed off when I explained that no, I couldn’t use the automated service because the automated service wanted the zip code to where my credit card is registered to…not a UK post code. And yes Miss AT&T lady, I HAVE tried my postcode..and it doesnt work!)

Anyway, I stayed by central park west for the start, which was nice but I didn’t take as much advantage as I should have. Bethesda fountain was just lovely, and watching the various street acts perform reminded me of how I loved to spend evenings in the summer watching the street performers in Covent Garden. Plus the statue is very pretty, she’s much nicer in real life..

I walked around the boat lake, and to the Alice in Wonderland statue, where I found a very befitting quote from Lewis Carroll which I wish I could have gold plated and sent to all the cheeky little chaps who love nothing better than a strict session with six of the best! Or maybe just the dumbasses who seem to think I have nothing better to do with my time than entertain their ridiculous questions…

Speak roughly to your little boy

And beat him when he sneezes

He only does it to annoy

Because he knows it teases

The hotel room was – unfortunately – tiny. I mean, I had even splashed out for a Queen size, so I dread to think what a normal double was supposed to be! I felt a bit bad getting gents to see me there, and tried to dissuade them to come later in the week, but they were insistent. However, they understood. ‘Hey! It’s Noo Yoik…whaddya expect..’ Well, thats ok then. I guess…
Apartment in Times Square was much better. Still no bath though, which is a crime! Yes, it may be sitting in your own filth, but it’s not about that. Its about relaxing, chilling, letting those poor aching muscles I stretched and strained from too much shopping and walking calm down and chillax.

But it did have a kitchenette, which meant I could indulge and buy lots of goodies from the supermarket to cook for myself (mainly vegetables. And cheese. Lots of proper cheese!). And a fridge, so a couple of bottles of wine made life a bit easier..

I think if I was to go there on a regular basis, I’d get to the point where I’d be ok, but sorting out the wheat from the chaff is so much harder than here. The sheer volume of timewasters and idiots was just too much for me to deal with. No, I can’t do outcalls. No, I don’t know how to get from your place to mine. No, I will not be coming back. No, there will not be another chance to see me. No, you cannot get shouted at in my hotel. No, I will not answer the door naked. No, I did not bring my whole wardrobe with me. No, I was not prepared to try and sneak item a, b or c through customs. No, I do not appreciate waking up at the crack of dawn to do an appointment with you, only for you to cancel because even though YOU set the day and time, you don’t know if you can make it.

And the appointments themselves? Hmm… hard to explain. I think I’d say English guys are definitely more giving. And long may that continue! There’s still the basic problems throughout the world – mainly the misapprehension that I’m a mind reader and know precisely what they want me to do, and what they enjoy each and every time. I don’t know about you, but I certainly wouldn’t allow someone to tie me up for an hour or more without giving them some kind of detailed instructions…

They’re also early birds! My god, every morning someone wanted a bit of sominksomink before they started work…exhausting! I couldn’t be doing with that for long. Especially when some knob jockey cancels and you’re already up and ready to go. For some bizarre reason, they never understood why I would take it particularly badly that I had to get up at 7.30am to see them when I could quite happily lie in till noon! After all…it’s me holiday!!

And yes, there were also the ones who are obviously insane in the membrane who called me up beginning of the week, failed to show, and completely underestimated my ability to Save Their Number, so that when they called back at the end of the week for an appointment, I refused. Busted, as we say in the industry. That, and ‘What a twat‘.

So now I’m armed with a viable list of timewasters and tragic cases who really need to get a life, it seems a shame that Im not going to be able to use them! Maybe one day, now I know the lay of the land, but not for a while. And certainly for a lot shorter period. I think trying to mix business with pleasure didn’t really work at all. If I was to give any advice on touring New York, I’d say get tourist stuff out the way in the first couple of days, work solidly for 2-3 days you advertise for, and then use another day or two to shop like a mad thing!

Ooh! And top New York tips in general -

* Of all places to look like a tourist, DON’T do it in Times square. Walk through it with confidence, and just a slight hint of boredom otherwise every tour guide and shit rapper is going to stop you.

*Don’t buy the maps in Central Park. There aren’t any maps in the park itself (probably due to said map sellers) but you can get a free one if you ask the conservatory people nicely. I found a booth at the Strawberry Fields memorial, which is by 72nd st entrance.

*Eat at 9th Avenue. From around 30th st up there’s enough restaurants to keep you going all year! And they wont rip you off. Also a good spot for little Jazz bars.

*If you get given a menu without prices on, go somewhere else. As well as sales tax and tips, they’ll probably charge you a Mug Tax too.

*Don’t wear a ‘I ‘heart’ NY shirt. Ever. Seriously.

*A lot of stores give you a discount for being a tourist. Macy’s will give you 10%…just take your ID to the visitors centre and they’ll give you a card you can use for 31 days.

*Coupons, coupons, coupons! If you’re going shopping, check the internet first for coupons for the shops you‘re going to. Print them off and take them with you. From what I understand, 78% of America’s economy is coupon based…

*Take a tour – the guide will have loads of tips about where to go and what to do. Its not tacky, and can be fun! Especially when it’s a Duck Tour! Again, look for coupons.

* Take paracetamol. They only have advil type stuff out there…so you end up paying £2 for an asprin/ibruprofen mix thing rather than the normal 19p packet of pills!

*Dont bother with the Statue of Liberty tours unless you’re really desperate to actually climb it. Get the Statten Island ferry instead – it’s completely free (you dont even need a metro card) and gets as close to the statue as any of the tours. Good enough for a cheesy picture in a green foam hat

*Remember nothing is what it says on the tag. Theres always sales tax (I think it’s over $58 in retail shops), and tips for restaurants. Plus occupancy tax for hotel rooms. I booked through an agency, and still had to pay extra when I arrived. Urgh.

*Take earplugs. Air-con is everywhere, so even if yours isn’t on all night, someone else’s will be.

And I think thats all for now. No doubt I’ll wake up in a cold sweat and think of something else in time, but don’t let me put you off. It really is an….experience!

And yes, more pictures coming when I have a better net connection!

The boys are back in town

Im back! Hoorah!!

Landed safely, and managed to lug all my shopping back home safe and sound

I’m absolutely shattered, and Im gearing myself up to give y’all a full account of my stay. but right now I have about 3 suitcases to unpack, a fridge to refill, some jetlag to sleep off, and several hundred dollers worth of clothes to find a home for.. (a lot of which is delightful new kinky outfits, so expect some fabulous photo fun soon!)

Needless to day, Im out of bounds today. Not only is my phone off, but I believe it’s buried under a mound of clothes and hersheys somewhere. I also took the opportunity to grab a massive duty free bottle of vodka to help me get over the whole experience, so I can’t guarentee I’ll be any use tomorrow either….

 

..the wind goes right through you, its no place for the old.

Timewasters, idiots, creeps and crazies. Much like the rest of New York, these are things present in the real world, just amplified by a thousand.

I’ve spent the first couple of days sightseeing, and after buying a sim card out here, Ive discovered it’s almost, but not quite, completely useless. Reception is crap, and people can barely hear me. Fortunately I have a netbook to do most of the bookings via email, but it doesn’t help having to crane out of the wondow to talk to anyone! Not that it matters – I switch my phone off during tours etc, turn it on, and kick myself for missing 15 calls, but today I feel better for finding out that  they’re usually all by a man who has no intention of turning up anyway!

So I’ve been trying to juggle. Work, sightseeing, seeing friends..and I’ve just made all three suffer. So today, I took a bit of much needed time out to concentrate on taking bookings. Typically, 2 no-shows so far, and several idiots. Including:

‘Can you shout at me and cuckold me?’

‘Not really, cos Im in a hotel room..try when I move to an apartment tomorrow.’

‘Oh, thats ok, I don’t mind you’re in a hotel..’

‘Well, I do..and so will the other guests if I starts busting your balls at a loud volume..’

And:

‘Whereabouts are you?’

‘The address is this..’

‘Wheres that near?’

‘Err… I landed in this country 3 hours ago. ‘

‘Yeah..so just gimme a landmark..’

‘!’

Or perhaps:

‘Can you do an outcall?’

‘Nope, but you’re welcome to come to me..’

‘Moneys not a problem!’

‘Well, if moneys not a problem, just catch a cab…and come to me.’

 

And many more besides. More of which Im sure Ill relate when I’ve just gotten lost on the subway, or been ripped off by a hot dog vendor (advertised as $2, with water advertised as £1.50…add the two together, and suddenly it’s $7!) or asked for directions from someone who’d rather send you the completely wrong way that just admit they dont know.

Yes, yes, yes…Im tired (the air con is noisy and on all night) I’m frustrated, and even a little homesick. But I’m sure that by tomorrow I’ll be back on form.

My problem has been to try and fit too much in. Today, just sitting, taking calls, and sorting the wheat from the chaff has really done me good. Mainly because Ive managed to see people who are good, clean, nice, polite, respectful, and turn up on time. ..and discovered who out there is a complete cock knocker with no intention of seeing me. Made worse by the American ideal that they’re all really polite to visitors…. pah!

But I have also reached a goal. I wanted to basically let the trip pay for itself. And by my rough calculations, Ive done that. Paid for the flight and the accomodation. The rest is just a bonus.

Tomorrow, I expect I’ll do much more of the same before getting back on the tourist trail on friday and shopping over the weekend.

Dont get me wrong, it’s all good out here. Its just…different.  And I guess my Great Expectations dont help.

Tell you what Im going to do…

I’m going to go out, have a nice meal with some lovely, patient friends who have stood by my strops and tantrums, and get very very drunk.

Start spreading the news…again…

Right.

Bags packed, passport secured, travel docs printed, cats with sister.

I would say Im all ready!

This time tomorrow, I’ll be jetting off to spend a couple of days in New Jersey, then on to New York for the first time ever! I’m massively looking forward to it, and I’ll be happy just to come away with some lovely memories, and maybe a foam Statue of Liberty hat. Oh yes, and lots and lots of shopping!

Fear not, I shall be back on the 27th, and I expect I’ll be bigger and better than ever before! Well, a lot bigger if nothing else…

Be good. Do not riot, or break either the internet or human civilisation while I am gone.

Happiness is…

..being able to write a quick post before bedtime about a pretty nifty couple of days!

Website back up and running. Fab.

New Terry Pratchett book. Excellent.

NYC In less than a week. Awesome.

Dinner date tonight, with the most amazing Japanese food I’ve ever tasted…seriously! Fantastic.

A gift of dreamycreamy Belgium chocs, which I thought I could have with a cup of tea whilst catching up on some accounts. Accounts swiftly sacrificed for Lush bubble bath and deep, deep meditation on just how delicious the choccies are/were.

Mmmmmmmm…. I feel far to preened and pampered! Tomorrow will contain more posting, but for now, I’m going back to bed, book, and belgian chocolates!

It’s a hard life…

HEAD::DESK

Talk about speaking too soon!

So yes, the lovely people at moonfruit have given me 6 months free. However, in order to do so they had to cancel my current subscription. The day AFTER I just paid for a new month!

But someone hasn’t told the website people that. They just think I’ve stopped my subscription, like the naughty little minx I am, and appear to be unaware of any freebies. So now ALL my sites are down… Escort ones, personal ones, Real Life work ones. Everything. Gone.

My emails have gone too, as thats all tied in to the domain name malarky.

And no, my site is still not up because yes, it still wont recognise my domain name.

Basically, the whole thing is a mess. Ironically made messier still by their attempts to help me.

I’d just be a little more happy if I could call someone. Like in the good old days. Remember them? When you called someone, they knew what you meant, and they fixed it? Now it seems you have to email, find that ‘due to an unusual amount of enquiries, you may have to wait up to 48 hours for a response’, only to be met with a question about your circumstance. You answer it, only to find out that yet again ‘due to an unusual amount of enquiries, you may have to wait 48 hours for a response’.

Or, in the case of fasthosts, you have a 24 hour manned line…..based in the phillipines. So whilst I have the comfort of talking to someone, I still have to wait until nrmal office hours to actually do anything. Even then, I still have to ring the same number, only this time, it might just send me on another magical world adventure…to madagascar.

This has all come at a mightily bad time. On the eve of really pushing out some NYC advertising, trying to grab all the spending money my grubby little paws can carry, and advertising a Pretty Awesome Pretty Big Escorts Christmas Party…

Yes, my head is meeting my desk repeatedly, and at a pretty damn speedy velocity.