We’re having fun, sitting in the back seat…

I did an outcall over the weekend to a place in South London. The gent I went to see was very nice, very polite, and even walked me down the stairs to an awaiting taxi and gave me a kiss and hug before I climbed in the car.

Blackfriars bridge was shut, so the traffic was a bit of a nightmare, so the taxi driver and I decided to shoot the breeze about life, the universe, and everything..

Whilst I didn’t go into the exact details as to why I was there, I was happy to say the guy was the result of a night out the evening before. (This can explain a multitude of sins – scruffy hair, smudged make up, skewiff stockings…not that thats how I tend to leave anyway – I have perfected my ’slag-bag’ packing to a fine art, which includes a hairbrush and my civvies – but I’ve done enough ‘walk of shame’s in my life to remember how it feels.)

We had a fascinating hour long conversation, with lots of questions – not overly personal, just a real interest – and as I left, he said ‘Cor, after all this, I bet I know more about you than that guy back there!’

Hah! Alas, he’ll never know how right he was

76 Trombones in the Big Parade!

Hah! You think I’m still talking about the party, eh?

Actually, I’m just going to spend two minutes blowing my own trumpet because I got one of those rare creatures – a review! Check it out!

So thank you Mr Soffit, absolutely lovely of you

I don’t think I did too badly, considering the parties had been a couple of days beforehand! And what a blast they were..always absolutely brilliant to catch up with both the Ladies and Gents..and even get to have a little play myself!

I would go into more detail, but quite frankly, you should’ve bloody well been there yourself! I like to think of them as a taster menu – a great way to sample the delights of each course, and if you just can’t get enough of one, then you can always go a la carte. Definitely highly recommended for the novice punter and experienced alike! There, do I sound like John Torrode or Greg Wallace yet?

Speaking of food, the run up to Christmas is nipping at my heels. I’ve finally had to give in and start getting stuff ready. In my case, I shall be drawing on my best Fanny Cradock false eyebrows, pulling out the suger, and making preserves. Oooh yes, my membership to the W.I is already in the post!

Do not panic. But if you see a small rhubarb and apple flavoured mushroom cloud arise over the rooftops of London, you know there’ll be no more updates for a while…

Let me just lay here…

Oh wow!

Faaaabulous party, dahlings! But I’ve only just gotten back, so I’m shattered! Will definitely fill you all in later, but right now my head is just too fuzzy from too much fun and red wine…which may explain why the text I just got from an old boss asking me if I’d go on radio and talk about masturbation seems so much more surreal than it should do. Doesn’t it?

Let’s get the party started!

I dont think I managed NaHoBloPoMo very well at all! But I did enjoy posting a bit more often than usual, even if most of it was just waffle to fill in the space!

Anyhoo, it’s party time tomorrow! I’ve spent the day washing towels and trying to decide what to wear. Normally I don’t need to worry about normal clothes, cos all the Good Stuff’s underneath But I’ve got a new, and fairly reliable, LBD that I haven’t had the chance to try out yet, and a lovely dominatrix style suit for any Very Naughty party goers!

I’m also just really looking forward to hangin’ out with the gals! Its always really nice to get together, exchange rants & raves, and just feel like you’re not alone in this job. Of course, we’re very discreet…anyone would think it was the Large Ladies of London annual book club.

(Speaking of which, I’ve been raiding borders and their unfortunate closing down sale. Only 20% off at the moment, so I just bought the new Stephen King book in the hopes they’ll slash some more prices closer to closing down. It’s about a town cut off from the rest of the world by a mysterious dome. I know how it feels…)

So I think places are still available at the party, why not come and say hi? You can taste some of my delectable sandwiches and maybe have a cup of tea! Whilst I wont be partaking in the party myself  – I’ll leave that in the hands of the experts! – you can still book an appointment with me in your own time and in the privacy of our own room before or after the party

I want to know what love is, I want you to show me…

Now, not sure if I’ve mentioned this. I may have said it in passing at some point, but just to reiterate…

We do not know you! We are strangers! Although you may have wanked furiously over our websites for months to the point where you’ve deluded yourself into thinking we’re going to know you, the fact still remains that we have no idea of who you are, or what you like.

Neither are we reference books.

A few weeks ago, I laughed so much my tea flew out my nose when a young lad (too young for me) finished a query email with the words ‘I hope you can teach me you ways..’. Needless to say, the reply may have included one or two Star Wars phrases (Well, if someone will treat me like a Jedi Master, it’s bound to go to my head!)

And today, I had the equivolent, in person. Uugh.

Alas, I didn’t pick up on any signals that this guy was after some kind of tutorial. If I had, I surely would have picked out my best Paperclip costume, and stood at the end of the bed saying ‘It looks like you’re trying to have sex, would you like any help with that?’ Not that you’d have thought he would. He was at least twice my age, so if I’ve done anything he hasn’t, I’d be highly surprised.

Plus things got on a bad start when 2 major ‘Punters Guide‘ steps were ignored.

‘I tried calling a few months ago..but no answer’.

Gosh! Sorry, I’ll have a good shout at my call centre. I really feel like a good shout today. Or..you could try calling on another day, or leave me a message – 2 very helpful suggestions that are on my voicemail.

‘Here’s the money. I’m sure you’ve got change’

No..because this is my working flat. Why would I keep money on site doing this job? You knew how much it would be, you’re in charge of making sure you have the correct amount. We’re not taxi’s…

I just knew he was going to be a difficult one when I came in with the usual refreshments, and he muttered those words I just live to hear..’So, what are you going to do to me?’

Errr…

Ok, well, what do you like doing?

‘Oooh, I’m pretty straight..I just love trying new things!’

Oh, ok. Well, if you could submit a full biography of your sex life, I can cross reference it with what I do, and what I’ willing to offer to see if we can find ‘Something New’.

‘I like this…and that. I guess.’

Ok..well, lets do those, and see how we go How about this?

‘No’

This?

‘No..don’t like that either..’

Err…that?

‘Not really.’

Ok, how about THIS!

‘Oww! Nope…!’

Ok..see where this is going now?!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I need a written list of what everyone wants before I see them, I just don’t want to be a reference book of sex. Cos really, chaps, there’s not much to it..especially when what you really like is a nice bit of GFE. You can do GFE in many wonderful, erotic ways. But don’t stand there demanding I ‘Show you my ways’ like I’m going to pull a rabbit out of my arse.

And especially, especially don’t finally shout out what you’d like to do when you’re cumming. I, like many WG’s work in a block of flats…not a sound proof bubble in the middle of nowhere. If that’s what you want, you’re going to have to add a couple of extra naughts onto the end of our fee…

I’m in too much of a post shopping/orgasmic bliss to be much of a raconteur tonight, so I’ll leave it to a professional..

 

Are you sitting comfortably? Then we’ll begin.

Do yourself a favour, get a cup of tea – maybe a cheeky biscuit – tuck yourself into bed, and read this – http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/gallery/2009/may/13/shaun-tan-eric-story-pictures

(Click on the pictures to see the next page and let yourself feel all warm and glowy. It’s ok, you can thank me in the morning.)

Lethal Bizzle

Today I made steps into a New Career.

 

Now, you must understand that I love my current one. Pleasuring the men of the world is not something I shall leave with ease, but not one I think I can do forever. Unfortunately

However, as todays steps are tiny by comparison of what may – or may not – be the tidal wave to come, I shouldn’t panic just yet. There’s still a lot of studying to do, and Im sure Ill need pocket money throughout all of it. Though, seriously, as I still need to meet with someone to actually tell me where I can even start looking for the right course, I’d say we were still nicely at Def Con 5. The ‘Everything’s fine!’ Def Con.

Im still not entirely sure if I can. But it’ll be cool if I do!

If I can’t, I’ll just have to go to my back up plan from when I was 12, and be a bounty hunter.

The bad boys are always catching my eye…

Well, Nahoblopomo went quickly by the wayside..

And for good reason; my cat got run over It was one hell of a tragedy as she was being looked after by someone else whilst I was in New York..and stayed for a little longer for Paree…but she was hit before I could pick her up the following weekend. I shan’t bore and depress you all with the details as I have a whole bunch of people in my real life who’ve heard it all, and been just fabulous. But as for you lot, you just need to know that last week was a bad one.

Plus Im having boy troubles. Gahhhhhrghrghr! I swear to god, if I wasn’t selling sex, I’d never get any. I’m surprisingly frigid in real life. In my naivite, I mistook myself as being self-confident, and independent enough to carry a fair old whack of self-esteem. Just enough to get past the whole ‘If I sleep with him, he’ll like me more!’ mentality. Turns out that no, thats just fridgedness. Apparently.

A little hard to explain, but I like to keep several pokers in the fire – so to speak – when Im dating. (In fairness, I also expect this of the guys too. Then you know you got the right one, and not just the first one..) But all my pokers have turned out to be rather…umm…unsuitable.

It’s at times like these when I have to turn to one of my favourite people of all time. C.J Cregg, from West Wing (Particularly from ‘Faith Based Initiative’, where her role as one of the most powerful women in America has called into questions her sexuality…Typical.) -

Im crazy about this particular man I just met and had two fabulous dinners with in the space of one week. A man who hasn’t had the courtesy to call me today – probably because he’s simply of the undependable gender, or – come to think of it – maybe he has less of an idea about how to deal with my alleged and fictitious lesbianism than I do. So he’ll just remain silent, like a submarine under the ice cap, and just drift away. Drift away like the other legion of cowards who I spent my younger life staring at the phone, panting like an exquisite collie hoping for table scraps, until I became successful, and suddenly started to scare them. Scare them with the very independence they required me to have. So right now, Im looking at some bad numbers. Some really rough stuff, if you know what Im talking about. But what was I supposed to do? Turn down the opportunity……….You just want to share it with someone, you know?

 

Yes CJ, I know. I have all this money, time, tales and- frankly – damn good sexual prowess…and sometimes, sometimes I do just want to share it all with someone.

So when boy a, b, c and d all turn out to be loose ends, highly undependable, incredibly unsuitable, or just plain scary (and apparently quite happy drifting along under the ice caps)… you wonder just what, or who, the future holds.

And then I get a call, and an hour later the most gorgeous man in the world walks in, and actually pays me to let him plunge his head between my thighs for half an hour….and I lie back, and think ‘Fuck It’.

My job may not be at the top of everyone’s career ladder, but there’s nothing better to get you over those heartbreaking flunks!

 

Normal service will resume. Tomorrow, I promise. Hopefully…

Now that you’re here, tell me I’m a non believer..

So Im sat in the lobby of my hotel, waiting for the shuttle to take me to the airport. I’d have love to have fitted in one more round of escargo, or a trip around the Louvre, but there just wasn’t time.

However, I know don’t think I’d be adverse to doing a tour here! Not speaking French doesn’t help*, but I think enough people who visit my site from here must speak English anyway to be able to get to it – if you see what I mean.

Anyway, one for the drawing board I think.

It was far too short notice to make this into a tour, and I just wasn’t here long enough to do anything useful. Plus I love being a tourist anyway, so I’m more than happy to wander the streets with myself for company and see if I can spot any competition other BBWs…which I couldnt’.

I guess expectations have a big part to play – I was so up for New york, and left disappointed, and didn’t think much of Paris, but have been having a whale of a time! Everyone’s been very friendly and helpful (when they can understand me), and the transport system is great! New York’s subway is buried miles underground, with hardly an escalator in sight, pretty dangerous looking, and damn hard to get to grips with. The metro here is a bit more like London’s, only a lot nicer, and a hell of a lot cheaper! I’m staying on – what I call – the piccadilly line, cos it’s blue.

Plus the favourite occupation here seems to be ’sit in a cafe for prolonged periods of time, eating and drinking.’ Why, thats my favourite hobby too!

Well, must dash, shuttle will be here soon and I have a bundle of Euro’s burning a hole in my pocket, desperate to be spent on duty free…

Au revoir mon petit pois!

*Although everyone’s been very kind about it. After ordering ‘Un crepe avec jambon et fromage’ at the Palais de Challoit, where you can get a stunning view of the Tower,  the vendor told me my French was very good! Not so when asking someone at the Metro station for directions to my stop..they decided the best thing was to throw me a map. You lied to me crepe vendor, you lied!

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi (ce soir)?

Ahhh…yes…Ok, rule no #1 of NaHoBloPoMo is you can have the weekends off’, as Ive managed to miss the second one in in a row. Bugger..

But, if it helps, it’s for a very good cause.

I’m in Paris!

Yes, Paris, France. That Paris!

Im on my first international outcall. I don’t really advertise myself as ‘international’ because the fallacy that men pay for you to travel all over the world soon exposed itself like a pervert in a park.

The only way you get to travel abroad is if you do it under your own steam as a tour. And when anyone calls me up, saying they’d like me to come to such and such, I usually smirk, tell them how much it’ll be for travel and accommodation, and hammer the final nail in by letting them know I’ll need that first. Then never hear from them again…

Until now. I’m not usually lost for words, but when the gentleman involved said ‘Ok, ok..here’s my credit card number…’ I was a bit stumped!

After a bit of a mad time trying to get the deposit, accommodation and travel sorted, I was left with 24 hours to get ready for my first ever trip to gay Paree!!

And here I am! I had lots of fun last night with a lovely admirer of the curvy lady, and have spent today sightseeing and trying to shop (they’re not so forward thinking with the plus sizes here )

It’s absolutely stunning, I’m really enjoying it! I didn’t think I would, Paris has never been on my top list of places to go, and after getting a bit bummed out at New York (which was at number 1) I wasn’t expecting too much, but have been pleasantly surprised!

I know I want to write more about it, but am shattered. Its been a bit hectic over the last couple of days, but Im sure Ill catch up on it tomorrow when Im back home